My Story with Anorexia
One time I didn't eat for 48 hours straight just to prove to myself that I could. One time I fainted because I exercised after not eating enough. Many times, I turned down plans to get food with friends to stay home and exercise instead. Many times, I cried myself to sleep because I thought eating 50 extra calories that day would cause me to become obese overnight. For years, my life was ruled by my fear of other people thinking I was fat.
I wanted to include an overview of how I developed anorexia, and why I think I developed this illness, to give some context to my recovery. I wanted to include an overview of how I developed anorexia, and why I think I developed this illness, to give some context to my recovery.
When I was thirteen, I decided I wanted to lose some weight. I felt like all of my friends were skinnier than me, and I thought that I would be happier and more confident if I lost weight. I searched Tumblr for tips and inspiration to lose weight, and even though I saw many pro-anorexia (pro-ana) blogs, I actually focused on the blogs that promoted healthy eating and exercise. I started running and doing pilates and I drastically changed how I ate. Growing up, I would always eat everything on my plate and, since we were rarely allowed junk food at home, I would eat sweets as often as I could at school or friends’ houses. When I decided to lose weight, I started eating numerous small meals a day, consisting primarily of vegetarian proteins and vegetables. I started tracking the calories, carbohydrates, and grams of fat or sugar that I consumed every day with apps like MyFitnessPal, and I kept a log of my weight and exercise routine.
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While people develop eating disorders for a variety of reasons, I believe I developed anorexia due to the obsessive nature of my personality and my need for control. Since I was young, everything I’ve liked I’ve liked to the extreme. Whether it was listening to the same One Direction album 15 times in a row or asking my parents incessantly to get a dog, I was very intense about the things I enjoyed. I never got tired of anything I liked, and this influenced my eating disorder trajectory. While many people try to lose weight and are able to exercise or eat healthily in moderation, I was not. Every day, I ate a little less and exercised a little more. I would weigh myself 20+ times a day and I became obsessed with consuming exactly the right amounts of macronutrients and burning as many calories as I could. I genuinely thought I was being healthy, since I was eating extremely low-fat/low-calorie foods and exercising for hours a day. I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal to do thousands of jumping jacks every day or to worry about how many calories toothpaste has . Every time I saw the number on the scale decrease, I succumbed to my disorder more, since I thought what I was doing was a successful and healthy way to lose weight.
Like many other individuals who develop anorexia, the illness also arose out of desire for control. I felt very powerless at home, but food and exercise were something I could control. I was so good at being anorexic, and it meant so much to me. I felt so strong every time I starved myself or exercised until I felt like passing out. Going to bed with an empty stomach made me feel so much more accomplished than being the top of my class and getting into Ivy League schools ever did. I don’t say this to glamorize eating disorders or paint them in a positive light, I merely want to explain how addicting and personally satisfying eating disorders can be, hence the lack of a desire to recover. Even though I often felt faint, my hair was falling out, and I let my rules about food interfere with my social life, I thought the weight loss and feelings of pride were worth it.
A quote I saw once that I think summed up the anorexic experience quite well was “You’re so in control that you’re out of control”. I thought I had such strong will power and was so dedicated to weight loss, but I didn’t realize my eating disorder was actually controlling me. I thought even having one piece of candy would cause me to lose all control, gain weight, and end up fat, gross, and unattractive. I was terrified that if I had one bite of any food I didn’t consider perfectly healthy, I would spiral and want to eat the whole thing, or if I stopped exercising for one day, I would never exercise again. Everything had to be absolutely perfect, and I would be devastated if I couldn’t eat and exercise exactly according to my plan because I so desperately needed to feel in control. I’ve always been very into following routines and planning things out, but this became infinitely worse during my anorexia.
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Eventually my parents noticed my drastic weight loss and took me to see a therapist. Throughout high school, I saw five different therapists and two different nutritionists. I’m honestly unsure of how much they helped me, since my primarily motivation for recovering was always the fact that my parents wouldn’t let me go away to college if I wasn’t healthy, and I desperately wanted to go to college. I had numerous false motivations to recover, such as “I want to gain X weight so my nutritionist will let me run again, but then I’ll run until I’ve lost the weight again”. I’m not sure how long I would’ve struggled with anorexia if my parents hadn’t noticed, or how long recovery would have taken me if I hadn’t had the explicit deadline of having to be recovered by the end of high school. However, I don’t want to convey the message that an external deadline or pressure from others is necessary for recovery or even common. People successfully recover from eating disorders for a variety reasons, since everyone’s experience is different, and I've still had to actively work towards maintaining recovery throughout my years in college. Recovery from an eating disorder is so hard because there is no medication or physical treatment that will lead to recovery. Individuals will never recover without genuinely wanting to recovery, but each person’s motivation can stems from various factors.
Anorexia gave me a sense of empowerment and accomplishment like nothing else. Weight loss is praised so highly in our culture that it’s common for people with anorexia to feel better than other people for having the will power to eat only low calorie foods and exercise excessively. The compliments I got from others especially fueled my commitment to my disorder, since I so strongly wanted to be skinny and pretty and to have people think I was dedicated enough to lose weight. I remember every compliment I got about my weight or body so vividly, even seven years later, because they meant the absolute world to me. Nowadays, although I find happiness and self-worth in many aspects of my life and myself, I still attribute so much significance to my body image. While I never skip meals, count calories, or weigh myself anymore, I still think about whether or not I look fat every single time I get dressed and my body image often dictates my mood. I still very much enjoy routines, but my exercise and eating do not control my entire life the way they used to, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
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Please continue navigating this website to learn more about the thought processes behind anorexia, my experience throughout recovery, and things I still struggle with.