Overview of My Recovery Diaries
In order to work through my feelings and track my progress, I kept diary entries during recovery. I didn't write every day, but I wrote quite consistently from June 2013 to September 2013.
Recovery is an ongoing process that can take years to even feel somewhat "recovered". I would say that it took me around two years to feel like my eating disorder was no longer a substantial part of my life. However, it's been four years since then, and there are little things I still struggle with, which shows how ingrained an eating disorder mindset can become.
Looking back on these journal entries, I find it fascinating how aware I was of how disordered some of my behavior was. I can't speak for everyone who has dealt with anorexia, but, during recovery, I often had realizations like "I know I won't gain weight if I have one bite of cake, but I still feel like I will" or "It doesn't make any sense that I'm scared of this food, but I still am". I was often fully aware of how irrational my thought processes or behaviors were, but I still had trouble changing them.
Additionally, these journal entries make me realize how much my life revolved around food and exercise. I can look at what I ate on a certain day five years ago and remember what I did that day. My eating disorder ruined my life for a period of time, and I'm extremely grateful that I have grown stronger than who I was in these journals.